


For Forever

by Clarisse (transnymphtaire)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, POV Second Person, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 17:29:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10791318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transnymphtaire/pseuds/Clarisse
Summary: Letters. It always comes back to letters.





	For Forever

**Author's Note:**

> I'm obsessed with the soundtrack, and I'm planning an Evan Hansen cosplay, so it felt appropriate to write something for the fandom too. Plus, I had to celebrate that I finished studying somehow.

_You never meant for it to go this far_ , you think as you hold one of many made-up letters in your hands. You’re shaking from repressed sobs as you read the words describing a friendship that you never had. Although you’ve never been there, you can still smell the apple orchard if you try hard enough. You’ve forgotten how many times you supposedly went there - one? five? more? - but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters, not really.

_Dear Evan Hansen_ is spelt out on the letter in your hands, the letter written not for your assignment, but for a lie much bigger than a lie should ever get. You only talked with Connor twice - when he pushed you, and when he signed your cast - but you can still hear his voice in your head. It’s comforting in a way that it isn’t allowed to be.

“I miss you,” Connor says next to you. You stubbornly shake your head; it isn’t real. Connor is dead, and he probably hated you before his death because of that stupid letter. _Why does it have to come back to letters?_ Thinking about it, everything can be pinned on your therapist for giving you the letter-writing assignment in the first place. You doubt anyone else would put the blame on anyone but you, for being unable to confess the truth to Connor’s parents.

An arm that isn’t there drape around your shoulder as the made-up ghost of Connor drags you into a comforting embrace. You lean into the empty air, pretending that there’s a solid body that helps you remain upright. You can’t help but think back to when Jared helped you write that first letter - _I think of you each night, I rub my nipples and start moaning in delight._ It was stupid then, is stupid now, but imagining Connor like that… you can’t help but blush. The letter in your hands gets crumpled as you tighten your grip.

You have a few clues as to what the real Connor Murphy was like and you doubt that you’d ever been able to get along with him, but… but the Connor Murphy that you created, the Connor Murphy that you supposedly was best friends with… You love him. You’re in love with him.

“I love you too,” Connor replies to your thoughts. You want to push away from him, but how do you push away from someone that isn’t actually there? The tears that you held back for so long starts to fall, and you wipe at them furiously. There’s no reason to cry. It’s all lies that you created, you only have yourself to blame for this situation.

Maybe… maybe if you had climbed higher before you let go, this would never have had to happen. Maybe Connor would be alive, if not for that letter you wrote. Probably not, and in all honesty, you don’t care much for the real Connor. Your death would make no difference for him. He would never find himself in your situation, would not have a made-up ghost of you to comfort him, because he would never have known you.

Most likely, both of you would have been dead if you had climbed higher. Connor would have taken his own life even without your letter. It’s not a thought that makes you feel better in any way. The Connor that sits on your bed shushes you, helps wipe your tears away.

It only makes you cry harder.

The reality that you made up is the reality that you want. You want to have been best friends with Connor, you want to have had someone to send pictures of amazing trees to, to have shared your forest expertise with. You want to have had someone to quote your favourite songs to, to have told jokes that no one else would have understood. You want everything that is portrayed in the letters, and more.

You want to kiss the Connor from the letters. You want to kiss the Connor that you made up, the Connor that is haunting you.

“I’m here for you,” Connor says, and you wish that it could be true, that someone else could see him; feel him. You lean into his embrace even more, take a sniff of the comforting smell of his clothes; his shampoo. It’s one thing to know that he isn’t there, and another to act like he isn’t.

You want the lies to stop. You want to confess everything to Connor’s parents.

You want to die.

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact! This is the first time I wrote fanfction for a fandom without reading any fanfiction for it first.  
> Another fun fact! This is literally the only way that this ship works for me.
> 
> I hope the references to the songs were appreciated~
> 
> Comment if you want more Dear Evan Hansen fanfiction from me in the future!


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